The challenge of the self-portrait
My first self-portrait attempt after many, many years, was an experience. I can see in retrospect all the moments where I could have stopped and started again on another canvas ~ the middle painting was where I should have stopped here but there was something about the layering process that kept me working on the canvas ~ first in acrylic paint, then in oil sticks. From left to right you can see that I am ageing rapidly, which exactly reflected the fatigue I was feeling while painting this. When I finally let it go at the last image, I hung it on the wall, took a documentary photograph and then it immediately fell behind the radiator. The only way I could retrieve it was to snap the frame which sadly caused the canvas to tear right through the middle. Hint taken.
I love it when the universe takes matters into it’s own hands. I gratefully accepted fate and started working on a new canvas. I realised that I had to use a smaller oil pastel, the chunky oil sticks were not accurate enough on such a small canvas. I found some very soft and reasonably priced oil pastels - not Sennelier - so I could relax and play without worrying how much money was being spread over the canvas. The new supported style of canvas was firm and toothy, which allowed the soft oil pastel to work into the surface well. The other question I had to consider was ~ how attached was I to achieving a likeness? I studied more of Bonnard’s paintings and could see that the portraits of Marthe and Renee were not the main purpose ~ making a good painting was the main concern.
On the second self-portrait, as I started to sketch out the outline of my body, I stopped and realised that I had not properly considered the composition. The painting as a whole was going to be the focus - like Bonnard, but still, it was hard to let go of the feeling that I needed to create something of a likeness. Looking at these works in progress, I really like the expression and structure of the second and especially the third face but there was something almost doll-like about it which was not what I was aiming for. Still, there is something quite beautiful about the expression around the eyes and the bright green clothing sings very nicely in the painting. I did overwork the painting, the brilliance of the colours are muddied and duller than I’d like and this is the lesson learned. Failed paintings are information to carry forward to the next painting.
I took it off the easel at the last image, where my expression was becoming tired again. This time, I placed it carefully on the floor. Oil pastels do not dry, so I will have to fix it at some point. Momentum is key with painting. These soft oil pastels are enjoyable to work with. They blended really well and took quite a bit of layering before losing their brilliance. I found the still-life set-up interesting to paint, especially as a reflection in the gorgeous antique wooden dresser mirror. The painting I’m currently working on is a larger still life of the pretty pink flowering geraniums and soft Welsh woollen blanket from this composition.
It may be a while before I attempt a self-portrait again. Looking at one’s face in the mirror at sixty is hard enough, scrutinising that face under the critical gaze of an artist and constantly having to see the truth of that reflection was something I found very challenging and uncomfortable. Where was I? What had happened to my face? I looked like my mother! My jowls were sagging and the lines on my neck were undeniable. My newly cut hair was still settling into place, I still hadn’t become used to seeing myself with such short grey hair. I looked old and tired.
I’ll be more like Bonnard next time and remember that the painting is more important than the likeness. Landscapes are my favourite subject to explore and most recently the study of still life have been offering new challenges to push me forward as a painter. I enjoy using new media and getting to grips wih different surfaces. There is no standing still as a painter. I’ve learned so much since starting to paint more regularly this year, I’ve almost rushed into everything at once - oil, acrylic, pastel, working on paper, canvas, board - where am I headed next? The minute I declare it, it will change, so I’m going with the flow and riding the wave of this colourful oil pastel momentum. Until something else catches my attention.
