The challenge of the self-portrait
2019 A diffent kind of self portrait study.
Dear Friends,
My first self-portrait attempt after many, many years, was quite the eye-opening experience. I can see in retrospect all the moments where I could have stopped and started again on another canvas.
I realised that I had to use a smaller oil pastel, the chunky oil sticks were not accurate enough on such a small canvas. I found some very soft and reasonably priced oil pastels - not Sennelier - so I could relax and play without worrying how much money was being spread over the canvas. The new supported style of canvas was firm and toothy, which allowed the soft oil pastel to work into the surface well. The other question I had to consider was ~ how attached was I to achieving a likeness? I studied more of Bonnard’s paintings and could see that the portraits of Marthe and Renee were not the main purpose ~ making a good painting was the main concern.
On the second attempt at a self-portrait, I started to sketch out the outline of my body, I stopped and realised that I had not properly considered the composition. The painting as a whole was going to be the focus - like Bonnard, but still, it was hard to let go of the feeling that I needed to create something of a likeness. Looking at my images of the work in progress, I cringe, I really like the expression and structure of some of them, but there was something almost doll-like about it which was not what I was aiming for. Still, there was something quite beautiful about the expression around the eyes and the bright green clothing sings very nicely in the painting. I did overwork the painting, the brilliance of the colours are muddied and duller than I’d like and this is the lesson learned. Failed paintings are information to carry forward to the next painting.
I took it off the easel where my expression was becoming tired again. Oil pastels do not dry, so I will have to fix it at some point. Momentum is key with painting. These soft oil pastels are enjoyable to work with. They blend really well and took quite a bit of layering before losing their brilliance. I found the still-life set-up interesting to paint, especially as a reflection in the gorgeous antique wooden dresser mirror. The painting I’m currently working on is a larger still life of the pretty pink flowering geraniums and soft Welsh woollen blanket from this composition.
It may be a while before I attempt a self-portrait again. Looking at one’s face in the mirror at sixty is hard enough, scrutinising that face under the critical gaze of an artist and constantly having to see the truth of that reflection was something I found very challenging and uncomfortable. Where was I? What had happened to my face? I looked like my mother! My jowls were sagging and the lines on my neck were undeniable. My newly cut hair was still settling into place, I still hadn’t become used to seeing myself with such short grey hair. I looked and felt what I was - old and tired.
I’ll be more like Bonnard next time and remember that the painting is more important than the likeness. Landscapes are my favourite subject to explore and most recently the study of still life has been offering new challenges. I enjoy learning how to use new mediums and getting to grips wih different surfaces. There is no standing still as a painter. I’ve learned so much since starting to paint again this year. I’ve deliberately embraced the mentality of being an art student again. Perhaps, because of that, the work looks unconsidered, but it’s not, it’s just me trying out everything at once - oil, oil stick, oil pastel, acrylic, soft pastel, coloured pencil, working on paper, canvas, board. I’ve been taking mini-classes in mediums, subjects, composition. So, where am I headed next? The minute I declare it, it will change, so I’m going to ‘go with the flow’ and ride the wave of this colourful vibrant oil pastel momentum, until I allow myself to graduate after a Summer of fun. The trick to creativity is joy
